What to visit in Lisbon

How would dirty talk sound if everyone actually told the truth?

Let’s face it – there can’t be that many guys in the world who have the biggest, hardest penis on earth. Nor can there be that many women who give the best oral sex a guy has every had. Dirty talk is good fun, but lying is a huge part of getting it right. Here are a few (light-hearted) ways that what we say doesn’t always match up with what we mean:

What we say: You’re so big and hard
What we mean: Yeah, it’s average, but you gotta work with what you have, right?

What we say: No-one has ever turned me on this much
What we mean: Well, except for that hottie in France, and the guy/girl behind the counter at the cafe down the road.

What we say: Do me harder
What we mean: I’m bored, let’s finish

What we say: I love it when you put your hand there
What we mean: Really, you need to be a little to the left

What we say: I love it when you take it slow
What we mean: Erm, that’s attached – go easy or I’ll confiscate it

What we say: You’re hot
What we mean: You’re here

What we say: Higher, lower, faster, slower, harder, softer
What we mean: Ah forget it, I’ll do it myself

What we say: Tell me what you like
What we mean: I have no idea what I’m doing

What we say: Those noises you make are sexy
What we mean: Are you awake?

What we say: Yeah, let me hear it baby
What we mean: Holy crap, are you enjoying this, or having a cramp?

What we say: I’ll love you forever
What we mean: I’ll love you for the next fourteen seconds

Practising dirty talk is guaranteed to spice up your love life, as long as you DON’T use our translations! Renting apartments in Lisbon and whisking your loved one away for a hot and steamy weekend may be the best way to put the fire back in your romance.